I Wanted To See Him
by Konpeitou
Summary: Gaara's thoughts as he goes to see Naruto before leaving Konohagakure for the second time, and an introspective sibling momenet after their departure. Spoilers up toaround manga ch.238. Shounenai hints? Can be ignored..


Konpeitou: So apparently being sick and bored out of my mind in bed for a week is a good combination to make my muse pester me. I'll have to damn my friend for sucking me into this fandom lately ::really loves the series though, and cosplays it regularly:: Anyway! This is my first Naruto ficlet and so I'm not sure I do the characters justice.. possible ooc-ness? Well, I hope you enjoy.. this is another of those things that I couldn't leave alone until I finished it.

Konpeitou: Ah yes, and a warning for shounen-ai hints? It can b ignored though.. I think... o.O; Also: I'm not Kishimoto so.. 'nough said, no?

* * *

I don't like hesitation. It's not something I've ever really suffered from before, but now I find it plaguing me incessantly as I sit frozen with indecision. A group of small, noisy children make their way along the path below my perch, but I attempt to ignore their presence and they don't realize mine. I don't know why, but somehow I've come to like sitting in this particular tree while in Konohagakure no sato; it was this tree I hung from when I first came across him on my prior visit and this branch has become a very comforting spot to sit and contemplate on in the past three months. This indecisiveness is aggravating and so very unlike me.

What is it that I deliberate about so much? Simply whether to go to see Uzumaki before he's fully released from the hospital. Simple, except for the fact that the proposition thoroughly scares me, though I'd never admit it. I've faced killers of many kinds, all types of betrayal and pain and yet... I'm scared to go see him. I'm scared that he won't want to talk to me. I'm scared that I won't have anything to say.

I'm scared that I'll say things that I don't want to say.

Most of all I'm scared to find out that the feeling of familiarity and understanding I feel is just an unreciprocated illusion in my mind. I don't want to see him be distant, to see fear of hostility from me in his expressive eyes. What I have become is because of him, and it could just as easily be undone by him as well. And.... I don't think I want to go back to that again.

I stand up on the branch with a snort of disgust at my own cowardice, and with a final push of resolution I launch myself silently off the bough and across the rooftops without even a bird recognizing my passing before I'm gone.

Even if it's a mistake, I want to see him one more time.

* * *

I stop outside the window, waiting anxiously for him to notice me while he moves about the room, finally allowed to leave the bed but not yet free of the room. Part of me debates just leaving and sparing myself the awkwardness but I firmly force myself to stay, perhaps out of some masochistic tendency I never was allowed to realize. I guess that would make me a sadomasochist? I really am screwed up...

But then he's staring at me, in what looks like shock and utter confusion, before opening up the window fully and gesturing me inside. I hesitate, still wanting to escape somehow, not wanting to have to face him again but he's looking at me expectantly and I refuse to be weak. So I step inside, standing rather rigid with my arms crossed over my chest.

Right. Awkward. Now what?

"Soo..."the blonde drawled, scratching the back of his head as he scooting back to lean his hips against the bed. "What brings you here Gaara?"

_Of all the questions..!_ I bit off irritably in my mind, struggling for a reply. What could I possibly say to that? 'I just wanted to see you' sounded lame even in my own head, there's not a chance I'd actually say it. Every excuse that came to mind sounded pitiful; I'm not used to having to explain myself.

"Okay, never mind that then." Naruto continued, apparently rather disturbed and somewhat cautious. With an internal start, I realized that I had been glaring while I fought with myself. I force my expression to calm into something more bland and stoic and immediately the blonde blinks and calms, shoulders slacking into a more relaxed slump. "What were you doing out there anyway? This place has a door, you know. And I am allowed visitors."

"Too many people," I growl. This, at least, I had an answer for. Not really the full answer, but an answer nonetheless. I almost want to snort; me, get seen coming for a visit by all those people? Not a chance. Subaku no Gaara does _not_ make friendly house calls. The mere thought of it... the thought of so many people thinking I'm so... no! Not a chance. The fox just nods, accepting the answer although he's obviously confused by it. Things become awkwardly silent again and I contemplate making a hasty excuse and exit.

"Thanks..." the words are quiet, hesitant and I do nothing but blink in surprise. What...? "For saving them, I mean. I wanted to thank you guys for coming to help the others while we were out there. I just..."

"It was nothing." I interrupt, startling him. He stares at me but I push my gaze away first. He looked so... vulnerable. The boy who beat me, who beat back my demon, should not have that look. That boy should have an insolent fox-grin, not a pained, remorseful smile; those blue eyes should reflect and shine with determination rather than unshed tears. That boy... that arrogant, impossible, self-assured boy should never cry. It didn't suit him. He had somehow managed to be happy despite all the pain he grew up with, pain that I could relate to all too well, and that image of him stuck with me since our last encounter. I don't want that image to change. Somehow, I want him to stay happy and optimistic because...

...because if _he_ couldn't find a way to be happy, then I certainly had no chance.

"I...owed you a debt." I say into the silence, staring at the wall, but watching the blonde in my peripheral vision. His head snaps back towards me in confusion and I shift my weight slightly. "The Kazekage was supposed to send some shinobi to assist you, as a sign of the new truce and... apology for the earlier attacks. I felt indebted to you so we volunteered to come assist." That was actually putting it lightly. I had made my will known and the Kazekage was wise enough to accept the fact gracefully. That didn't really need to be known, though, so I didn't mention it.

"I don't really understand what you mean," he tells me, scratching absently at the bandages still wrapped around his right hand. "I don't remember doing anything that you'd have to repay me for... all I did was fight you, but... thanks." He opens his mouth as though to say more but closes it again when I turn to face him fully, meeting his eyes. He smiles, small but genuine. I try to return it, but the motion still feels very foreign to me. Yeah, he doesn't need to finish; I understand what he's saying already.

"So how long are you guys supposed to stay here?" he asks, letting his feet slide forward until his body was low enough that his elbows on the bed was the only thing keeping him up. The blonde looked comfortable enough, though. "We came back to the village about three months ago already," and here his mouth twist in annoyance and distaste "So if you've been here this long, I was just wondering how long you guys were going to be here and all... ah! Not to say that you're not welcome or anything!" he added hastily, as if realizing that what he was saying could be construed as insulting. I hadn't thought so but I smirk in amusement at his embarrassment. Yes, this is definitely how he should be. I don't reply though, so he keeps talking. "I'll probably be leaving tomorrow, I think. That ero-sennin is taking me off to train for a few years. It's kinda weird, but... I won't fail again." His fist clenched and both our gazes drew to the strained appendage. I looked back and his eyes we drawn and determined. Focused. My lips moved almost of their own accord at the sight. _This_ is how he should be. This is the Uzumaki that I remember. I feel somehow lighter at the sight; he'll be all right. It shouldn't matter so much but it does.

"Yeah," I say, the smile a touch wider as I let my arms drop back to my sides. "You won't lose. Goodbye, Uzumaki Naruto." I turn to leave, hopping onto the sill in a crouch and ready to launch off when his voice stops me.

"No," he calls, drawing my attention back as I glance over my shoulder. He's grinning that silly fox-grin of his. "See you later, Sabaku no Gaara." I pause, blinking once in surprise, then nod sharply.

"Aa." I leave the building behind in a rush, darting ahead with unnecessary speed towards the place where my siblings wait. I feel anxious, thoughts rushing around in my head too furious to even comprehend clearly. I feel... relaxed, in a way that I haven't known in a long time. But most importantly, I just _feel_.

* * *

Firelight is oddly hypnotizing. It makes the nights seem less long when I have a fire to watch. It would need more kindling soon, but not quite yet and I don't feel like moving. We made good time today after we left Konohagakure no sato, but it had gotten dark and I didn't want to push my siblings to exhaustion. They weren't yet, and they probably wouldn't want to admit it if they were, but I suggested stopping to make camp anyway. Both of my siblings are sleeping beside the fire now, a yellow-orange tint cast over them. I stand up quietly and walk outside the range of the light to retrieve some more wood off the forest floor. Laziness gets the better of me and I use sand to gather up the twigs. I feed them back into the fire silently upon my return, listening to the occasional pop with vague attention.

Material rustles behind me but I don't bother to turn, keeping my attention on the flickering flames. I know it is only my sister getting up and I do not have the paranoid fear of attack from her that I once had. Or maybe I do, but I try to deny it. Even so, I can feel the sand swirling around me in habits too hard to break in such a short time but I do not turn around to make sure. I have to believe that she won't hurt me. I have to if I ever hope to overcome what I used to be and the monster I have inside. She stops, standing beside and just behind me, but doesn't say anything.

"You should get back to sleep," I tell her without looking back, tossing another twig into the fire to be devoured. She sighs.

"So should you, but..." she leaves the sentence hanging, words unspoken but understood. I couldn't sleep so there was no use arguing over it. She does not move to follow my suggestion and instead poses a question to me. "Are you all right, Gaara?"

It's a simple question but somehow comforting to hear. She actually cares about me, murderer that I am. I won't refuse that anymore and I'll try to make my siblings not fear me. I glance over to her, my expression softening as much as I can make it in apology and nod once to her. I'm fine, I think, but even if I'm not then I don't know why and therefore couldn't tell her. I... don't think I could tell her even if I knew. It's still too hard.

"Somehow, I don't really want to go home," she says quietly, changing the subject. "Sunagakure no sato... huh, that place never really feels like home." My sister kneels down and grabs another twig from the pile beside me and tosses it into the fire before straightening once more. "...I like this place."

"Yeah," I agree after a moment of surprise at the quiet admission. I agree to all parts; the village of my birth doesn't really feel like home and the village that used to be my enemy is a nice place to be. I don't know when we'll be back, though. Naruto will be gone for three years, I don't see a point in coming back before that time. Three years...

Temari shifts her weight slightly, a blur at the edge of my vision. "I'm glad I got to see him again," she says, and it's somewhat odd to see her uncomfortable from a source other than me. I almost smile. "This time I was able to show him my true strength, that I'm not as weak as I seemed in the exam."

This time I do smile, albeit only slightly. My sister had been rather upset about her second match in the exam on our last visit, about losing to that lazy shadow guy. She won, but only because he resigned and so she refused to count it as a win. That loss had irritated her greatly once we had returned back to our own village. Temari never got so worked up over an opponent before. Then again, she never really lost before... I had really been too harsh on them, back then. She moves again and suddenly I feel a hand resting lightly on top of my head.

"Arigatou na, Gaara. I had... wanted to see him again." I turn slightly to look up at her in mild surprise. She shouldn't have known that I had anything to do with us being sent out here, but somehow she did. How...? Hmph, _sisters_! I return my gaze to the fire with a small shrug.

I don't know what to say or do. I've never really talked much with my siblings. Well, I had talked to them a little more after they had carried me away from this place before but... that was different. Those weren't anything like this conversation, this one that seems to have a quality of 'opening up'. I want to say something back, tell her something too, but I don't know what. I just don't want her to think it's not appreciated, I don't want things to go back to the way they were before. I clench my fist on my thigh as I struggle internally. _'wanted to see him', huh?_

"Yeah," I agree quietly, my voice barely above a whisper, but it's all that I can mange. My fist almost hurts from the strain as I force myself to speak. "I wanted to see him again, too, after our last battle...That one that's like me but not." I pause, stuck, and I feel her hand brush through my red spikes. I sigh quietly, imperceptibly, in gratitude. I fall silent once again, keeping my eyes trained on the flickering flames of the camp fire.

I shift my weight once more, moving to the side ever so slightly; not much, but enough that my shoulder rests against my sister's thigh. She stills and I go rigid with the sudden thought that maybe I have gone too far, that I have pushed her too far. I almost pull away again when her hand resumes its gentle brushing through my hair. I force myself to calm, to ignore the call of the sand in the back of my mind and close my eyes for a brief moment. Tossing another branch into the fire, I relax into the affection that I denied myself for so long. _I still want to see him again_...

owari

* * *

Konpeitou: That's it. Hope you liked. Leave a review if you feel like it, it's always nice to know how I did. Thankies! n.n


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